British Airways is now hemorrhaging £1,6-million (R19,8-million) a day, says boss Willie Walsh.

The world's least favourite airline has just announced a record loss of £292m for the six months to the end of September, and plans to shed a further 1 200 jobs by March.

Honestly, its finances sound almost as bad as mine.

Walsh is now banging his head against the overhead locker, trying to think up ways to cut costs, improve service and stave off strike action in the run-up to Christmas.

If only he had come to me, a frequent flyer with a very low tolerance threshold, for my 10-step programme to send its popularity, and reputation, soaring...

Stop check-in staff standing there watching us, arms folded, while we struggle heroically with the self-service check-in machines. We don't want to touch screens and swipe passports - that is your job.

Stop asking me whether I packed my suitcase myself. No, of course I didn't pack it myself, I let a dodgy man with a beard pack it for me. Stop confiscating my lip balm.

When we check in, please lift your eyes from the floor, smile and say hello. You would be surprised how rarely this happens. Don't make personal comments about my passport photo. And get someone to mend the moving walkways at the airport while you're at it.

When you call passengers for their flight, do not summon people with small children first. They shouldn't be travelling anyway. Why not announce: "Would anyone feeling stressed, tired, tearful or wearing uncomfy shoes like to come forward first?"

Stop telling me the names of the cabin crew who will be looking after me. I don't care.

Stop telling me to put my bag under the seat in front (my bag doesn't do floors) but instead offer to place it carefully in the overhead locker for me.

Female staff should offer to place businessmen's awful cheap black wheelie things in the lockers, too. If I have another male crotch leaning over me as I try to read High Life, I will develop air rage.

Give every passenger - not just the ones who turn left when they embark - a glass of champagne as they settle into their seat: it makes everything seem more festive. And bring back microwaved nuts - anyone with an allergy should stay home.

Ban in-flight staff from standing chatting.

Those awful brochures with pictures of duty-free goods need a radical overhaul. Why not introduce shopping via the screen at your seat? With all your goodies wrapped, waiting for you as you disembark? And come up with something other than perfume and cheap watches. How about cashmere sweaters, the latest bestseller and Welsh blankets?

Please stop showing old episodes of Seinfeld. We want really good telly, like 24 and Grey's Anatomy.

Fill up those empty business seats in imaginative ways. After take-off, while we are waiting for the drinks trolley to limp its way towards us before running over our toes, ask if anyone has a birthday or is on honeymoon. Then, with great fanfare, escort them and their belongings to the front of the plane.

And while you are at it, the business lounge needs a revamp: I mean, a buffet and self-service coffee machines... And why is everything brown? I want a classy bar, waiters and linen tablecloths.

Improve the in-flight food. Stop preparing elaborate meals and give us something basic: whole fruit, lovely hunks of cheese wrapped in greaseproof paper, classy chocolates. This would eradicate the awful cooking smells. Make the food vegetarian: you will drastically reduce the size of your carbon footprint.

And stop interrupting when I am in the middle of watching a film or waking me up to ask if I am wearing a seat belt.

Don't allow men to sit in window seats - they have no bladder control. Or to take their shoes off. Or to recline their seat before I have finished my supper.

Designate one loo on each flight for women only. Please install flattering light bulbs in the loos; I frequently look at myself and see Thora Hird staring back.

And stop telling us that smoking is not permitted anywhere on the aircraft. We know.

- Daily Mail

PS ... The same applies to some of our airlines nearer home. Are you reading this, SAA?