C'mon guys, so you've opted for that flat rock down south for your studio and the vicious bite of a Cape Town winter when we, in the Golden City, have bent over backwards to have you as our guests for the World Cup, cameras and all.
How dare you call Jozi ugly? Did you swot up on South Africa's weather patterns?
The most beautiful thing about having the beautiful game - the World Cup - in Jozi is our climate. It's not only the best in Southern Africa - it's the best in the world! Didn't you know? Brilliant blue skies, crisp days - perfect for capturing superb images for bouncing around the world.
It's cool, man. Particularly in June and July. Okay, Okay, you could have some nice ice but you won't have to put on your wellies, have the mikes blown off your cameras and your brollies blown inside out. Don't forget to batten down the hatches when the Mother City faces another cold front. Shame.
Even more beautiful than our climate is our people.
That's where the real gold lies. We invented the word Ubuntu (I'm sure we did) which roughly means we bend over backwards - there, I've said it again - to make our guests welcome. We'll be doing that in grand style come the World Cup.
And we know how to party. Take out your ear plugs and listen to the sweet sound of the vuvuzela.
Go on, you'll learn to love it.
Bunny huggers take cover as we light up the sky in an extravagant display of exuberance, and eateries are crowded to the hilt.
And we can put 92 000 bums on seats in the biggest calabash in all the world. Always better when its bigger.That's Jozi style.
Heard about the "World of Beer" in downtown Jozi?
What a grand place for journos to exchange notes after an exhausting day shoving digital whatnots up everyone's nostrils and your video guys rubbing their peepers and massaging their shoulders after heaving and squinting through cameras and grabbing yet another unintelligible opinion on who's going to win the World Cup.
I won't tell you about the origins of Humankind on the fringe of our city. It's where we all come from.
Everyone. You too. Good stuff for a doccie but you'll be too busy taking the mud off your galoshes.
Okay, Okay, so we've got a couple of dumps but that's part of our history, man. Gold and all that.
Have you seen our city lights at night? Go on, admit it, it's First World - and isn't the Mandela bridge grand? What a splendid backdrop for your anchor folk. Pity.
And our city is safe, believe me. Our cops are everywhere and they mean business. Honest business. That's what they say, and why should I not believe them?
They'll even guide visitors around the potholes.
Catch a wake-up and forget all that Baghdad-type talk about bullet proof vests, hijackings, petrol bombs and burning tyres in the streets.
We dance when we're happy and we light up and dance when we're a little peeved.
That's pretty civilised, I think.
Jozi is brash, frenetic, exciting, stimulating and guaranteed to set the pulses racing of any visitor.
It's like good medicine. It's a city on steroids. Sorry you won't be around too much. You'll be too busy groping through a Cape fog - and heavens, that bellowing foghorn at Mouille Point, you'll have to pull the plug on that!
Jozi ugly? No, I don't think so. Anyway, everyone in the City of Gold wishes you well down south. It's going to be a grand World Cup. Don't forget to try the bobotie - with a little drizzle of your choice.
